This article from today's Star Tribune is interesting both because it talks briefly about the ongoing saga of cyclist Floyd Landis as well as covers a topic that touches us all--the who, what, when, where, how and why of sharing a part of our personal past that has been causing us pain and/or shame...
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Relationships: To tell the truth or not?
Greg LeMond's brief and bizarre appearance at cyclist Floyd Landis' drug hearing provided an unexpected moment of reckoning for all of us: How can we judge whether to free our own deepest secrets?
By Gail Rosenblum, Star Tribune
Minnesotan Greg LeMond's revelation of sexual abuse as a child was never meant for public airing. But during the soap opera known as fellow cyclist Floyd Landis' drug hearing in Malibu, Calif., the world learned the secret that LeMond, 45, had shared guardedly with only a few people.
With the public's attention span as short as a Minnesota spring, it's unlikely that the arbitration panel's decision will have a lasting impact beyond professional cyclists and their fans. And that's a pity, because the story of why LeMond chose to share his deepest secret with Landis, and then the rest of us, offers an intriguing discussion opportunity.
A quick review: The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency has charged that Landis used banned synthetic testosterone to win the Tour de France in 2006. The hearing ended May 23, but it could take months before there is a decision in the case.
Three-time Tour de France winner LeMond testified last month that Landis implicitly admitted to illegal doping during a phone conversation the pair had last August. To encourage Landis to unleash the secret, LeMond said he had shared his own: He was sexually abused at age 6, and not talking about it almost destroyed his life. "It's good to get things out in the open," LeMond told Landis, according to news reports. At the hearing, LeMond then related that someone from Landis' camp had threatened to broadcast his secret if he testified.
(Landis' manager, Will Geoghegan, admitted to making the threatening call and was fired.)
And so, the irresistible question for the rest of us is this: Is it more damaging to hold tight to our deepest secrets, or expose them? What are the potential fallouts of both choices?
We asked local experts in various disciplines for their thoughts.
John Prin, Minneapolis-based licensed alcohol and drug counselor and author of "Secret Keeping: Overcoming Hidden Habits and Addictions" (New World Library, $16)
"There's a huge difference between Greg LeMond's secret and the secret Floyd Landis is accused of. LeMond is a victim, Landis a so-called perpetrator; one happened a long time ago, one is happening right now. One is low-stakes [LeMond]; one is high-stakes because he's in danger of losing his reputation. One is secondary shame [LeMond]; one is primary shame, if proven to be true. "LeMond has much less to lose. Floyd has everything to lose: the Tour title, his reputation as a cyclist. Professionally, I'm always going to encourage people to tell the truth. I think he should come clean. But from a personal point of view, I understand that the stakes are so high for him and I empathize with him. If I were him, I would do anything to cover this up."
Wendy Malinsky, life coach and owner, WAM Enterprises, Edina
"When people finally come to someone like myself, they are looking for relief, release. In coaching, judgment has to be suspended. And every conversation with a coach, as with a therapist, is confidential. So why would someone want to keep a secret? A person who keeps a secret so tightly to themselves, or who allows it to come out sideways in anger or bad health, does so usually because there's fear -- fear of exposure, fear of being judged or shamed, or that someone will think less of you. "One woman revealed to me that there had been incest. I said to her, 'Look, how long have you been keeping this inside of you? What's the cost? What did you think I would do if you shared with me?' People do mental gymnastics with themselves. "You can never say that people [who share their secret] will find, universally, a form of relief. It's based on their upbringing, values, perceptions. The nature of the secret can also unite us. Sometimes, what one finds in disclosing is that there is far more empathy and understanding. These are universal emotions that people have."
Mary Hayes Grieco, author of "The Peaceful Heart" and director of the Midwest Institute for Forgiveness Training "There is no one black-and white answer to the question of secrets. What I would say is, while overall it is best to try not to have too many secrets inside you, people have always had secrets and, sometimes, the dilemma of whether to keep having them or not. People and families have secrets when the overall system they are in can't handle the truth at the time without destroying the fragile integrity of the system overall. "There are questions we can ask ourselves to test our readiness to share our deepest secrets: What is my motivation in revealing this? Will it truly help me be free and/or serve the best interests of all people involved? Will it end an ongoing problem that is hurting people? Will it help my family grow? Are the members of my family healthy enough to handle this truth [even if it is embarrassing or messy] or will this cause a split from which there is no recovery? How will I feel if people don't believe me or think I am crazy? How do I deal with valued others if they don't want to deal with this? Most important, can I utter this truth in a spirit of love for self and others, in service to all of our healing and wholeness, with an intention for forgiveness, and not blame and revenge?"Dan Reidenberg, psychotherapist and chair of the American Psychotherapy Association"If you choose to do something that results in a secret, it festers inside of you. You live with it and maintain it. Secrets are hard on our body, brain and heart [feelings]. Secrets can increase blood pressure, heart rates. Secrets create stress and stress creates problems."I often recommend that people test their readiness to share a secret in the context of therapy. If you are not ready, testing it could cause a reaction or response you are not prepared for, and then you could be stuck in a very, very bad place. At the same time, a therapist isn't always available, affordable or possible, so have a strong support system in place that you can turn to if you need to. "Still, the world doesn't need to know the secret. Too often, celebrities do this for ratings and attention. For most of us, 'the world' is far more limited to those around us. Do it at a time that you feel safe, comfortable and at ease with the secret. Make sure you know what you want to say, how much you want to say and practice being prepared for both the response or reaction and the likely questions that will come."
Gail Rosenblum • 612-673-7350 • grosenblum@startribune.com
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